Finding Comfort in Tumbling Under the Waves
A Musing About Releasing Our Grip Of Control On Life
Before we get into today’s musing, there’s a ✨ very exciting and significant ✨ update to share: last Wednesday (August 16th) my first journalism article was published in Bend, Oregon’s local indie newspaper, The Source Weekly, in their Best of Central Oregon issue! 🎉 I wrote a fun how-to boatpack with dogs 🛶🐕🦺. You can read it here, and yes, those are my dogs and me in the photos :)
Finding Comfort in Tumbling Under the Waves
There's this thing I like to do. I'd do it often when I had the privilege of living close to the ocean, so every summer I'd spend copious amounts of time swimming the salty blue. Sometimes just for a quick dip and a few strokes before or after something else nearby. Sometimes I'd dedicate hours at a time to leisurely roam the salty shore and float and bury myself in the sand. Often, these excursions included at least a few moments of full, underwater submersion. I'd let my body go limp aside from holding my breath and clenching my eyes shut. Then I'd simply let the ocean move me. Pushed here, pulled there, tumbling in the waves. Feeling how my hair swirls like a hurricane. My arms drifting and tugging at my shoulders. Legs morphed into shapes I don't naturally pursue. Almost complete release. Succumbing to the forces of nature.
Tumbled beneath the waves, I feel at rest.
I still do this, though it hasn't been in the ocean for over two years. Letting the rivers' currents carry me and my limbs and my hair. The fullness of the lakes holding me as my body slowly curves and rotates beneath the surface.
Somehow I find it entirely comforting. Like being wrapped in the arms of the water itself.
There's something about this anti-resistance that's calming. Grounding. Peaceful. A sort of quiet known only to the water and its creatures.
I've been in therapy for some time processing childhood trauma, and recently had an EMDR session where an image of me submerged in the ocean surfaced in my memory. Like often happens for me during EMDR, a moment of connection solidified: releasing my grip of control is comforting.
But how? Not having a level of control in the midst of being tossed and turned by an incredibly strong external force is usually fear and stress-inducing. Like what-the-fuck-is-happening-how-will-I-get-through-this kind of stress.
Maybe it's because the control I harnessed was in my decision to release it. Maybe there's some validity to the whole mind over matter mantra. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and think all of this is lunacy.
But if all I have to lose by testing the theory is a little bit of perceived control and some added stress if it goes to shit, it might be worth it. Because if it doesn't go to shit, I'll bank myself a whole lot more stress-free days.
I’m no expert in the field of releasing control. Maybe a wannabe amateur. In my experience with the matter, here are some thoughts: relinquishing control is not apathy, it is not giving up entirely, it is not throwing a tantrum and tossing in the towel. Releasing control does not mean rolling over and letting yourself get bulldozed when you have the chance to roll out of the way.
It’s precisely when we feel like the ground beneath us is crumbling before our very own eyes - either slowly like an intentionally malicious game or quickly like an avalanche - that we enter crisis mode, which is usually when we grab hold of everything we can to save ourselves. That’s when the pigment in my knuckles turns a lighter shade and my hands feel like they’re grasping onto the most precious little gem that I’m terrified to lose.
The point is that when we’re stressed and overwhelmed it is even harder for our brains to consider alternatives. If I can train my brain and body to release control when life isn’t rapidly going to shit (i.e. life is good or at least better than it had been), I have a better chance at doing it when life is, in fact, going to shit.
It’s like practicing your speech over and over in your bedroom by yourself. Once you’re out in front of that crowd with clammy palms and you feel like passing out, muscle memory will kick in. Second nature. You may still experience anxiety, but your mouth will probably (hopefully) still spurt the words out in a way that sounds mostly understandable.
I start noticing the smalls ways I’m still grasping for control that truly have no impact on nearly anything. And then I reverse it or don’t do it - it’s literally seconds of my time to decide not to do something. I take my own power back. And save some of my precious energy. I usually feel relief after not doing it. Gosh, it feels good not to have to be responsible for every tiny little detail. I can breathe.
Give less energy to control and more to trust.
The goal is to practice this so often that someday the brain naturally doesn’t feel this type of anxiety and doesn’t need the control. Lean into your own intuition more and more. You’ll eventually have the skill of discernment, knowing you can fully trust yourself. With that power comes the relief of not needing to control your internal and external worlds.
Do what you need to live and what you want to thrive, but don’t hold on too tightly to the outcome.
It’s about not caring so much about every damn thing - perfection is an illusion. No, Tiffany, it doesn’t matter where you leave your shoes outside the yoga room. No, Tiffany, the picture of your quiche you’re posting on Instagram doesn’t have to be “cool and artsy” take the damn photo - or don’t post it at all - and eat your lunch. No, Tiffany, people don’t actually care how you live your life, or if there’s some dog hair in the corner behind the couch.
Stop trying to be who you think people want you to be, and just be yourself. If you’re “too much” for some people than you’re not on the same wavelength. You’ll attract what you need and desire with patience and authenticity.
Pursue your goals and dreams, but not so rigidly that you can't flow with the curves of the journey.
It’s about accepting that the timeline in your mind won’t match how your life plays out - stay open to new possibilities. Tiffany, it’s ok that your switching careers at 35, you’re not too old. Tiffany, it’s ok that you don’t know when or if you’ll meet your romantic partner, it’s not too late.
Sometimes the result you want - and maybe even really need - doesn’t happen, not even close. But those moments don’t have to crush us. There will be a way through and forward, it just may not look like what you thought. And yes, sometimes we have to accept that “this sucks.”
Connect with your body and be one with it. Resistance only hinders your growth.
It’s about attuning to your body and finding relaxation - you don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Yes, Tiffany, unclench your jaw. No, Tiffany, this hike is not a timed competition. Yes, Tiffany, relax every single muscle in your body and melt into the ground.
Most of all, it’s about slowing the fuck down - seriously, take a beat, or a few. And P.S. future tripping isn't helpful. I work so hard at mitigating my future problems, and since there are always perceived future problems, my future self rarely gets to cash in on what I’m actually hoping for, a break.
Please don’t misunderstand this as procrastination. I am all for preparation, but when that seeps into perfectionism or compulsive production, it becomes a problem. I move through life quickly. I walk fast, I’m efficient in my work, I breeze through my physical therapy exercises. Always on to tackle what’s next (because there are always so many to-dos amiright?) OR my deceiving thought “Get through this fast so I can rest.” I think I desire rest so much because I expend so much energy moving so quickly through life.
Releasing control over every part of our lives actually removes barriers and limitations. It frees us up to appreciate and enjoy the path that will unfold regardless of how tightly we grip the compass. When we’re free like this, we’re more open to the beautiful new possibilities we may have never noticed otherwise.
Want more unsolicited thoughts? Read my musings here!
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